Appleplectic Rage

Dear Steve,

I’ve bought three of your devices in recent years, all iPods. They’re all ingenious devices really, even if I am forced to sync them with the bloatware you call ‘iTunes’. And your customer service for in-warranty products is excellent. Which is just as well given that not one of the devices has ever threatened to work past the warranty. I popped the latest into the service centre this morning. I guess this is preferable to other manufacturers devices which seem programmed to self destruct a minute past midnight of the warranty expiration. Or worse, dying just as you’re presenting it.  But still. Might I suggest your next product being named iFunctionbeyond12months? Just so I can sue your sorry ass for false advertsing next time? I jest, of course. Good service or not, I prefer working products. I’ll shop elsewhere next time.

 

Dear UK retailer,

Thank you for your kind letter, courtesy of your HR dept, informing me that you are unable to take my application any further. I understand you need someone with, and I quote, ‘some previous retail management experience‘. I would instead like to apply for a job in your HR dept, as a replacement for the buffoon who didn’t notice the detailed description of my 20 odd years of retail management experience that consumed about half of my one page CV. Most of that experience in stores of similar or larger size to the store I applied to manage. I can also spell, or at least use a built in spell checker, which will drastically improve the professionalism of the dept. Are all of the HR staff semi-literate? I could bring along a trained chimpanzee if you wish, to take up some of the slack.

 

Dear Mr Douty

Congratulations! You’ve got a new job, and have had my precious Flickr account placed in your hands. Please note the word precious. My life in pictures are stored on your servers, watched over by your staff. Someone needs to take away the ‘Delete‘ key with urgent haste. I’m only half way through backing up my collection, having accidentally deleted my collection recently. I know, accidents happen. But I’m paying you to make sure they don’t happen to you. Or me.

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Photo courtesy of Thomas Hawk

9 Comments

  • I love my iPod Touch, and playing music is one of the least important features it offers. But that said, I must agree that iTunes for Mac is bloatware.

    Even Apple has separated the various iTunes functions into separate apps on the Pod Touch (and, I assume on the iPhone)

    Instead of one monster iTunes, the Touch has Music, Videos, App Store, iTunes (store), Photos and Contacts.

    Saludos,
    Don Cuevas

    • I do love my Touch as well. I’ll love it more when I have it, or the replacement, back in my possession. Maybe I’ve been unlucky. I’m sure that’s the case. But then, stories of exploding iPods, dodgy Mac screens and a general iffyness regarding Apple quality over the last few years has been a recurring feature of the brand. Heck, not even their employees have the sort of longevity that anyone would boast about.

      I look forward to my Windows Phone 7. I’ve heard rumours that Nokia are going to put WP7 software in their phones very soon. That’s excellent news. Nokia’s hardware is excellent, their current Symbian software dreadful. It definitely makes sense.

  • Feels good to get that all in writing – doesn’t it 😉 Of course it will come to naught – but feels good all the same.

    I have an ancient iPod (30 gb) that has been cranking along for more than four years (with battery change – no pleasant process that). They were probably built better then – as is the case of many things.

    • Come to naught? I expect nothing less. Or more. Of course a potential employer might scan the web for signs of my life and stumble across it. Will it inspire them to check the quality of their work? Or write me off as a sour grape. I’d hope the former.

  • Ha! very funny. I look forward to pages and pages of such letters as you deal with recruitment agencies and HR departments in the UK as they are a joke. Be thankful you got a reply!!

    It is strange about the iPods. I fought against buying an Apple product as I hated the lack of functionality and I hated iTunes. At the time, I wanted a portable Windows Media Player. I only got an iPod Classic because I felt the need to carry 80gb of music around with me every day and it is still going strong four years later!

    • I’ve had plenty of replies! The wonder of Outlook’s auto-response feature….

      I guess I’ve been unlucky. I hope so – I’m sure that Apple is better than that. And the iPod Touch is, to be fair, a device of wonder. But when I get back to the UK, I’m going back to Bill. I’m getting me a Windows Phone 7, with a Zune Pass for the joy of unlimited music downloads…

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