The English Exam 2008

Kids these days! Well, kids in the UK anyway. What are they like?! Bunch of foul mouthed hooligans, so they are.* Where on earth do they get it from? Parents? Peers? The Assessment and Qualifications Alliance? If you’re guessing the last option you may well be on to something!

When I was at school and registered for an exam, if you failed to turn up, turned in a blank paper or produced illegible garbage you got a ‘U’ grade. U as in Unmarked. And if you simply handed in a paper with an obscenity scrawled on it you got a U and at the very least a suspension. But not today – not if you are lucky enough to have your English paper marked by the Assessment and Qualifications Alliance!


Writing ‘F**k off’ will earn you 7.5% for showing the ability to convey a message. Add an exclamation mark and you’ll get 11% for showing ‘a little bit of skill’. Apparently, so the theory goes, something is better than nothing. Well, I’m not sure I agree! Let’s see how this tactic plays out for the kid concerned after he leaves school….

A policeman stops him one evening and asks how he is. “F**k off!” says the little boy. Off to the police station he goes.

The magistrate at his subsequent court case asks if he’d like to add anything to his defence. “F**k off!” says the little boy. His punishment, to his surprise, isn’t reduced!

At his first job interview, when the interviewer asks him if he has any weaknesses, instead of a solemn shake of the head…”F**k off!”. Astonishingly, he doesn’t get the job!

One day, when he is being robbed at gunpoint, and the crook asks him if he has anything else worth taking, the little boy replies “F**k o…..” before falling dead on the pavement with a couple of bullet holes in his head.

Yeah, I think in most situations in life, nothing is better than something if the something is simply an obscenity. It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? It would make some people angry even. Me – I just find it bizarre and rather comical!

* Disclaimer: Come to think of it, I may have been a foul mouthed hooligan once upon a time!


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