The UK General Election has been called, and in a month Brits will go to their local polling station to cast their vote. I can vote too. I checked out the British Embassy in Mexico’s website for details. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Will I vote for the incompent idiots with experience (Labour), the incompetent idiots with no experience (Conservatives) or the incompetent idiots who…well, they’re just incompetent idiots who haven’t formed a government in the last hundred years, and won’t form one in the next hundred. The good old Liberal party.
It really is a tough choice. I don’t think British politics have ever before served up such a selection of wannabes, has beens, wimps, weasels and generally clueless morons. Not in my living memory anyway. Why did Screaming Lord Sutch have to leave us so early?! Still, the party he founded, the legendary Monster Raving Loony Party, lives on, and has at least 35 candidates standing. None in the constituency I am restricted to voting in, sadly.
They have some excellent policies. To combat global warming, all buildings should have air conditioning units on the outside, and all terrorists will be forbidden from having scary beards and will be obliged to travel on special Terrorist Passports. But best of all, ‘newly trained dentists will be required to have three teeth removed, 2 fillings and root canal work done without anesthetic. Then they will know the agony they inflict on the rest of us’. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
You might laugh, but one day I’m going to stand for election as an MP in a general election, and they seem as good a party to ally myself with as any. It only costs a few hundred quid, and if you get 5% of the vote, you get that back. Seems easy enough. Just stand in a crime ridden constituency and run on a pledge to legalise drugs, prostitution and throwing wheelie bins in canals. Oh, and compulsory euthanasia for all idiots. My success will depend entirely on the people voting for me being unaware that they are the idiots I would have put to death.
But back to this election. Really, who am I going to vote for, in the absense of a Loony Raving Party candidate? Well first I needed to see how I would register. Apparently I can download a form, film it out, put a stamp on it, pop it into a post box by April 20th, and….oh dear. A stamp? A postbox? Seems like so much trouble for such a pointless activity. I’ve voted in three of the four elections since I became eligible. In ’92 I gave Honest John Major and his sleazy Conservative party my X, and they duly won. Well, I couldn’t vote Labour that year. Neil Kinnock? Really? The guy is a ginger! We’d have been a laughing stock around the world.
In ’97 I voted for Major again. I was sick of Tony Blair’s grin. And that was before ten years of him as PM. But Major lost despite my best efforts. In ’02 I abstained from voting. William Hague really did look like a fetus, but made less sense, which is even worse than having ginger hair. But I still couldn’t bring myself to vote for Blair. Oh if only Prescott had been the leader of the Labour party. His campaigning tactics rang all the right bells for me. In the last election I did at last decide to give Tony my vote. I felt sorry for him. Really. It was a pity vote. And I was even more sick of the anti war propaganda than I was of the government war justification propaganda.
Not that I particularly agreed with the war. Although I disagreed with the post war party more. And anyway, the Conservative leader, Micheal Howard, was truly an evil looking creature, with policies to match. The Liberals had Charles Kennedy, whom I thought looked and sounded like a total raging drunk. Turned out, he was. Nonetheless, within days of casting my ballot, I fled to Mexico, fearful of the consequences of my actions.
You might be thinking by now that I don’t take this election business too seriously. You might be right. I certainly can’t take the current available options seriously, and have faith that whoever wins, they’ll do an equally poor job as the losing side would have. I’m going to save myself the cost of a print out, and envelope and a stamp, and wait till the next election when there will be a really good candidate I can put my faith in. Me. Still, I’ve sated my curiosity as to how the democratic process works. I also doscovered that the British ambassador to Mexico is a woman, who blogs when she isn’t promoting Coldplay, and that the UK was the first country in Europe to recognise the independence of Mexico from the Spanish. Whom we were probably at war/just been at war/about to go to war with at the time. Although I’m sure that had nothing to do with it…