So. Tomorrow’s the big day. Time to phone in sick from work and blow your life savings on black on the Roulette Channel on cable TV, just for the hell of it. Just to see if you should have done it years ago. Roll up a fat one. Sit back in a comfortable chair. Sip a beer. Turn on the news channel. Wait and see what happens. I’m convinced. This time it’s for real. The apocalypse is here. I am forever fighting a battle to pay my bills, regularly miss lunch, have an unsightly bout of psoriasis, customers keep phoning me to report thefts they need to claim for, Fox News is broadcasting hate 24/7 and my cup of coffee got spilled during an earthquake today. That, or it was the dogs tail. One or the other. But anyways, that’s enough signs for me. All seven of them.
Yup, this time it’s for real. The Mayans were smart fellows. They wouldn’t get this wrong. And of course, the people deciphering the Mayan stuff, which admittedly means nothing to me, they’re smart fellows too. I don’t see how this could go wrong. All I’m waiting for now is the Antichrist to appear. Who’s it gonna be?! It’s like waiting for the next episode of Lost, the tension is unbearable. There are just so many candidate, but my money’s on Bill O’Reilly. He just seems the sort. So I’m gonna sit back in a comfy chair and wait. I’ll need some tunes. I’ve compiled a veritable album worth of appropriate music. I’ve called it Now That’s What I call The Apocalypse. What? EMI has already copyrighted that name? Shucks. Sue me, suckers….
You’ll have Time – William Shatner (if Mastercard were sponsoring the Apocalypse, this is the track. Priceless)
Have I missed out any essential apocalypse tracks? Let me know. Quickly. Tick tock. We haven’t got all day. And for those of you who are just not getting into the spirit of things, you darned killjoys….well, this one’s for you. Did you watch it? Yeah, you’re not feeling so scathing about this end of the world stuff now, are you? Not so smug now, are you. No. I didn’t think so. Two minutes of that, and quite frankly Armageddon can’t come soon enough. Anyway, that’s all from me. It’s been a blast. Happy Apocalypse Day. Goodbye y’all.