Food fads and trendy new diets are legion. And I am sick of hearing about them. Gluten this, polyunsaturated that, intolerance of the other. It’s frankly tedious. But if you can’t beat them, join them. (Or apply for employment with United Airlines. Then you can beat them.)
I’m not a devout foodie, but I know what I like. And what I like is the Cow Diet. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of bacon in the morning, fish and chips on a Friday eve and a lamb shank on a Sunday. But if push comes to shove and I can lead just the one animal into the slaughter house, it shall be Daisy I take to her doom.
Some vegans suggest that if we had to slaughter animals ourselves, up close and personal, we’d all be vegans. This tells me two things. Firstly, vegans don’t get how we humans became meat eaters in the first place. Secondly, they simply don’t understand how much I enjoy a filet steak, served medium rare with chips, friend onions, mushrooms and some corn.
Sure, butchering a living animal can’t be pleasant. But in the event of a butcher’s shop apocolypse, I’d give my local cow no more than a week to live. I might stare at it for a few days whilst I munch on nuts and slurp my grass soup. But sooner or later I’m going to get a proper hunger going, march up to my bovine adversary and club it into a menu full of tasty beef dishes. Steaks, stews, boeuf bourginon, burgers, slow cooked brisket tacos et al.
I would need to keep some cows alive, happy, healthy and grazing peacefully in the pasture. Or else, what would I do for my dairy produce? The joy of the cow is that you get a two for the price of one type deal. A dairy free diet sounds to me a bit like the equivalent of a leg free walk. What’s the point? Cheese, milk, butter, yoghurt, cream – I love it all. In fact, I could possibly survive on bread and cheese alone. Possibly.
For most of my life, full fat milk has been my main source of hydration. Some might suggest that this is not the healthiest of beverages but it does rehydrate the human body more efficiently than water of any energy drink. That’s a scientifically proven fact.
My cholestoral level isn’t high for a chap of my age. But it would be a little on the high side for a man ten years my senior. So it’s not such a bad idea to get it a little lower now. I’ve switched to semi skimmed milk – doctors suggestion rather than doctors orders. I don’t like the semi stuff enough to drink on its own. It’s for coffees and cereal only, so my number one source of cholesterol has been largely eliminated.
Last thing before bedtime, its sometimes nice to have a nightcap. I’m not much of a fan of alcohol, though. There are only a few drinks that I genuinely like, and even those I imbibe infrequently. But I have developed quite a taste for whisky cream liqueurs. My cow intake is a morn to midnight affair.
My taste for cream liqueurs comes from our visits to Scotland. Edinburgh introduced me to the delight of Columba. In Inverness I discovered Arran Gold. They’re both smooth drinkers. The former has more of a whisky kick to it. The latter is milder with a very enjoyable honey flavour. Best of all, no one I know really likes cream liqueurs, so I get them all to myself.
So that’s my Cow Diet. Feel free to give it a go. Although truth be told, I do have a better diet to recommend. This is a top secret diet that every weight loss and health nut company try to hide from you. It’d kill their profits, you see. It’s so simple that it has no recipe book that can be sold, nor powdered meals to prescribe. It’s so simple it’s just seven words long. Ready? Here it is…
Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.