The Cow Diet

Food fads and trendy new diets are legion. And I am sick of hearing about them. Gluten this, polyunsaturated that, intolerance of the other. It’s frankly tedious. But if you can’t beat them, join them. (Or apply for employment with United Airlines. Then you can beat them.)

I’m not a devout foodie, but I know what I like. And what I like is the Cow Diet. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of bacon in the morning, fish and chips on a Friday eve and a lamb shank on a Sunday. But if push comes to shove and I can lead just the one animal into the slaughter house, it shall be Daisy I take to her doom.

Some vegans suggest that if we had to slaughter animals ourselves, up close and personal, we’d all be vegans. This tells me two things. Firstly, vegans don’t get how we humans became meat eaters in the first place. Secondly, they simply don’t understand how much I enjoy a filet steak, served medium rare with chips, friend onions, mushrooms and some corn.

Sure, butchering a living animal can’t be pleasant. But in the event of a butcher’s shop apocolypse, I’d give my local cow no more than a week to live. I might stare at it for a few days whilst I munch on nuts and slurp my grass soup. But sooner or later I’m going to get a proper hunger going, march up to my bovine adversary and club it into a menu full of tasty beef dishes. Steaks, stews, boeuf bourginon, burgers, slow cooked brisket tacos et al.

I would need to keep some cows alive, happy, healthy and grazing peacefully in the pasture. Or else, what would I do for my dairy produce? The joy of the cow is that you get a two for the price of one type deal. A dairy free diet sounds to me a bit like the equivalent of a leg free walk. What’s the point? Cheese, milk, butter, yoghurt, cream – I love it all. In fact, I could possibly survive on bread and cheese alone. Possibly.

For most of my life, full fat milk has been my main source of hydration. Some might suggest that this is not the healthiest of beverages but it does rehydrate the human body more efficiently than water of any energy drink. That’s a scientifically proven fact.

My cholestoral level isn’t high for a chap of my age. But it would be a little on the high side for a man ten years my senior. So it’s not such a bad idea to get it a little lower now. I’ve switched to semi skimmed milk – doctors suggestion rather than doctors orders.  I don’t like the semi stuff enough to drink on its own. It’s for coffees and cereal only, so my number one source of cholesterol has been largely eliminated.

Last thing before bedtime, its sometimes nice to have a nightcap. I’m not much of a fan of alcohol, though. There are only a few drinks that I genuinely like, and even those I imbibe infrequently. But I have developed quite a taste for whisky cream liqueurs. My cow intake is a morn to midnight affair.

My taste for cream liqueurs comes from our visits to Scotland. Edinburgh introduced me to the delight of Columba. In Inverness I discovered Arran Gold. They’re both smooth drinkers. The former has more of a whisky kick to it. The latter is milder with a very enjoyable honey flavour. Best of all, no one I know really likes cream liqueurs, so I get them all to myself.

So that’s my Cow Diet. Feel free to give it a go. Although truth be told, I do have a better diet to recommend. This is a top secret diet that every weight loss and health nut company try to hide from you. It’d kill their profits, you see. It’s so simple that it has no recipe book that can be sold, nor powdered meals to prescribe. It’s so simple it’s just seven words long. Ready? Here it is…

Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much.

7 thoughts on “The Cow Diet

  1. Having killed my share of farm animals, I’ll admit that buying from the store is much preferred .
    A botched killing story:
    We( a group of buds sharing a house), had bought a pregnant sow at the sale, we killed and ate the sow after she delivered and raised up her little ones. The little ones were for the spit. After a few weekend pig roasts, the spitters got wise to the gunmen entering their sty. Pigs running about in panic was the norm. Well, Ron had a new pistol and declared he wanted to do the killing for the weekend roast. Some beer was involved, there always was. The pigs are running about in the knee deep mud and shit of the sty, we( a group of buds sharing a house), were doing our best to avoid the end of Ron’s pistol. Ron managed to put a neat quarter inch hole through his cafe. Going to the hospital with a gunshot wound, even in the 70s was not wise, if , three sheets to the wind, so we put a bit of mercurochrome on both holes, a gauze packing, wrap of tape and put Ron in a lawnchair for the day-no harm-no foul.
    Store bought is better policy when it comes to meat. The killing part is not for me.

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    1. I think that anyone who finds any sense of joy in killing animals has a bit of a screw loose. I understand hunters who go out to get their dinner. But the ones who go out just for the pleasure of blasting creatures into kingdom come…well. Yes, I’ll stick to the store myself. But really, if push came to shove and the choice was between turning hunter or turning vegetarian, I’m pretty sure I’d turn to the former.

      Yours was a better story than mine. And I don’t have a hunting story that really compares. Other than I once went hunting rabbits with nets and ferrets whilst camping in Kent with my granparents. I took a couple of rabbits home, which were cut up, cleaned, cooked and served for dinner.

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  2. There is more to your story than meats the eye Gary, however I agree I love a well cooked medium rare steak but I’m not the one to kill or dress the animal. But out here on Vancouver Island, British Columbia Canada we have a cornucopia of incredible edibles.. and the choices are almost endless..

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