We must, we are told, unite to make the most of our post-Brexit ‘opportunities’. I confess that I’ve been struggling to think of what these opportunities might be. Sure, a free trade agreement with New Zealand sounds great, but the country has an economy the size of Greece. And besides, last time I looked, our supermarkets already looked pretty well stocked with NZ lamb.
There are the huge markets of the US and China. But we already do more trade with the Netherlands than both those two put together. And besides, we’re clearly at the back of the trade agreement queue with the US, and what are we going to sell in any great quantity to China?
But you know…unity. Embrace Brexit. So I’ve come up with a few ideas for a re-industrialised, re-energised and re-invented post-Brexit Britain. To kick things off, we will surely see the return of that old staple of Britain’s roads – the cars of the BMC. Foreign cars like Beemers and Mercs will be far too expensive once Brexit talks collapse. So who wouldn’t want to see a new version of the Austin Allegro on our streets?
A 21st century model built in Britain for a new generation of British drivers. Updated to meet the times. Out with the square steering wheel that represented a square deal. In with a seven sided wheel to reflect that fixture of the British financial system, the 50p coin. Which, incidentally, will be what the Allegro will be worth five minutes after it’s been driven off the dealership forecourt.
Naysayers will point out that Austins had a terrible reliability record. Well, every cloud has a silver lining. Knackered-out Allegros up and down the country will help the motor repair shop industry to thrive. The lack of functioning cars will help us meet pollution targets. Under utilised roads will last longer between resurfacing projects. It’s all win, win, win.
Then there’s the burgeoning markets in countries that were once part of the British Empire. We can strike new deals with them. For example, India. I can forsee a thriving call centre industry that will grow at record rates, serving the needs of middle class Indians who want to cancel their mobile phone plans or internet services.
Naysayers will suggest that British call centre operatives simply won’t be able to supply the same levels of technical ignorance that is currently the single biggest factor in detering people from cancelling. But make no mistake, what Britains world famous customer service lacks in ignorance, it more than makes up for in sheer rudeness.
Then there’s tourism and fishing. Whilst there’s no obvious link between the two, you’ll be surprised at how our economy adapts and starts to multi function. With a pound so weak you’ll need a hundred of them to purchase a rupee and day trips from Poole to Cherbourg costing a years salary for the average Brit, trips to our seaside towns will sky rocket.
Our traditional coastal resorts have suffered from a half century of neglect and tend to accomodate more drug addicts than holiday makers, and we might not have skilled fishermen anymore, but with a little inventive marketing we’ll be able to sort out both problems.
We will watch with a sense of childlike wonder as smackheads, encouraged by the new head of fisheries with his broad Cornish accent with his free permits, set off into the English Channel aboard anything that floats. Spoken with the right twist, herring sounds awfully similar to heroin.
Having given this some proper thought, I’m now far more positive about this whole ‘Brexit opportunities’ thing. There’s clearly a lot of scope to re-invigorate our society and economy. It’s hard to see how it could possibly go wrong. Indeed, I can barely wait for 2019. Freedom! And Allegros.