The Cricket Bat Massacre

You may have seen the tragic news from a small town in southern England last week. A mentally disturbed man did not go into a primary school and  25 young school children were not bludgeoned to death with a cricket bat. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. Nonetheless, teachers around the country are being issued with a huge assortment of cricket bats, tennis racquets, snooker cues and hockey sticks. Just in case. It’s best to be prepared for every eventuality.  Thoughts and prayers must go out to Prince Philip and what passes as the UK gun lobby, who were convinced that the mid 1990s gun ban would just lead to the mass slaughter of infants by maniacs wielding various sporting implements.

Of course I’m referring to the latest mass shooting in a US school. Of course my analogy is infantile and pointless. Haven’t you been paying attention to how this works? Infantile and pointless is, it seems, the appropriate and universally adopted approach to this issue. Kids die. Media rushes to NRA to see if they can get an insensitive and silly response. NRA delivers with interest, throwing in an absolute beauty – guns are a God given right – for good measure. Fail to produce relevant instruction in bible. Everyone goes nuts. Republican gun nuts still get elected. Christians arm themselves to the eyeballs, then mock Islam for proclaiming that it is the religion of peace. Right wing media cherry pick data to suggest that it’s all not really a problem. More kids die. Rinse and repeat. Rest of the world looks on and shakes its head sadly.

It’s all nuts. You know it’s nuts. Everytime I read an opinion on the subject, I just see more nuts. A wide variety of different nuts. I won’t even be particularly surprised when I one day read a prominent gun supporter proclaim that Jesus would be an NRA member if he were alive today. And pack a mighty arsenal of military grade weaponry as he takes his daily stroll to his office on Wall Street. It’s gonna be said one day, you know. I’m only assuming it hasn’t been already.

So allow me, if you will, to bring some sanity to the debate. To explain what is really going on. It’s quite simple really, you see. What is happening in the US is the production of material for a movie to be released about a hundred years from now. Entitled Monty Python – Revenge of the Red Neck, it will be the smash hit comedy of the year. Audiences will  roll around in the aisles, clutching their sides, as a youthful clone of John Cleese runks amok with a machine gun in Colombine High School, spraying the brains of students across the walls, creating humourous patterns of blood as he goes. Further hilarity will ensue as the great, great grandson of Michael Palin repeats the same trick at another school to comic effect.

Expect screams of laughter at an explosive appearance from Mr Creosote’s muslim cousin, who manages to tuck away one final waffer thin piece of TNT before detonating himself. It’s also likely to feature a conversation about how many smart bombs a pair of swallows can carry. And one can but hope that they find room in the script for a killer rabbit or two.  Regardless, I’m sure the flick will go down as an instant comedy classic. Cinema goers will wipe away tears of laughter as they marvel at our primitive idiocy.

On a serious note, the photo above is from a chapel in Faro, Portugal, made entirely of human bones, decorated with human skulls. It sends a shiver down one’s spine, which is apt. The good ole US of A may soon have enough skulls and bones from gun shot victims to construct an entire cathedral. They should build it. A structure grand enough to rival St Peters in the Vatican. Macabre enough to rival the catacombs of Paris. But still not shocking enough, methinks, to spark a rational debate on the role of and ownership of guns in America.


5 thoughts on “The Cricket Bat Massacre

  1. The NRA leadership wants you to believe that they are crusaders for constitutional rights.  They are not.  The NRA is a hobby organization.  Their hobby is guns.  All kinds of guns – hunting rifles, hand guns and weapons of mass destruction in the form of assault rifles.  They believe that that they should have no restrictions.  They should be able to own any gun, any caliber, with any size magazine.  To support their hobby, they spend millions in contributions to and against law makers. 

    NRA hobbyists  will tell you that guns are not the problem.  The problem is that we have crazies, immigrants and criminals in the US. Our schools are not built to stop high velocity bullets.  Public safety entities don’t share data, and doctors don’t cure mental illness.

    The NRA would like YOU to correct those problems. How? Spend money to turn schools into bunkers with armed paramilitaries patrolling the corridors. Not just schools, but anywhere that people congregate. If you don’t then YOU are the problem, not guns.

    Homicide rates are 25 times higher in the US than in other high income countries. No other first world country allows hobbyists to own assault weapons or buy lawmakers. Ban weapons of mass destruction and you don’t need to teach our kids in bunkers with armed guards. If the UK and Australia can do it so can we. Dump the gun ego trip and save our kids.


    • I personally wouldn’t argue the case for banning guns in the US full stop. It’s a pointless argument. And despite the nonsense coming from the gun lobby – they’re coming for your guns! – I’ve not seen anything to suggest any serious participant in this debate genuinely wants to take everyones guns away. The toothpaste is out of the proverbial tube. But the influence of the NRA, Koch brothers and others on the political bodies that are supposed to represent the people is pretty repugnant.

      The idea that the US still needs a well armed militia to take on the govt – well, that’d make a fun spectacle. My money is firmly on the US military when that kicks off. And the fact that it’s less onerous to buy an army’s worth of fairly heavy duty weaponry than it is to get a drivers license….well. Nuff said.

      The lax application of and enforecement of existing legislation is also pretty laughable. As is Mr Trump’s contribution to the issue thus far.


  2. Kris says:

    I’m not positive it was Wayne LaPierre, king of the NRA, but I did see someone on tv last week say that the right to own guns was in the bible. It must have been a recent edition.


    • I think I found it…

      Matthew 5: 38-40
      “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, perforate their gizzards with thine semi automatic rifle. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, insert thine holy hand grenade in their devilsome back passage.”

      But on a (slightly) more serious note, LaPierre seems to be responsible for this: He argued that the constitutional right to bear arms “is not bestowed by man, but granted by God to all Americans as our American birthright.”

      There are all sorts of angles that one could approach this concept, none favourable to his argument. But I’ll simply note that the last part of the accepted biblical canons, and thus the last of God’s known instructions and endowments, was published before ‘America’ existed. Regardless of the arguments for and against gun control, the man is an obnoxious idiot. His sidekick, Dana Loesch, is just as grotesque.


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