You may have seen the tragic news from a small town in southern England last week. A mentally disturbed man did not go into a primary school and 25 young school children were not bludgeoned to death with a cricket bat. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. Nonetheless, teachers around the country are being issued with a huge assortment of cricket bats, tennis racquets, snooker cues and hockey sticks. Just in case. It’s best to be prepared for every eventuality. Thoughts and prayers must go out to Prince Philip and what passes as the UK gun lobby, who were convinced that the mid 1990s gun ban would just lead to the mass slaughter of infants by maniacs wielding various sporting implements.
Of course I’m referring to the latest mass shooting in a US school. Of course my analogy is infantile and pointless. Haven’t you been paying attention to how this works? Infantile and pointless is, it seems, the appropriate and universally adopted approach to this issue. Kids die. Media rushes to NRA to see if they can get an insensitive and silly response. NRA delivers with interest, throwing in an absolute beauty – guns are a God given right – for good measure. Fail to produce relevant instruction in bible. Everyone goes nuts. Republican gun nuts still get elected. Christians arm themselves to the eyeballs, then mock Islam for proclaiming that it is the religion of peace. Right wing media cherry pick data to suggest that it’s all not really a problem. More kids die. Rinse and repeat. Rest of the world looks on and shakes its head sadly.
It’s all nuts. You know it’s nuts. Everytime I read an opinion on the subject, I just see more nuts. A wide variety of different nuts. I won’t even be particularly surprised when I one day read a prominent gun supporter proclaim that Jesus would be an NRA member if he were alive today. And pack a mighty arsenal of military grade weaponry as he takes his daily stroll to his office on Wall Street. It’s gonna be said one day, you know. I’m only assuming it hasn’t been already.
So allow me, if you will, to bring some sanity to the debate. To explain what is really going on. It’s quite simple really, you see. What is happening in the US is the production of material for a movie to be released about a hundred years from now. Entitled Monty Python – Revenge of the Red Neck, it will be the smash hit comedy of the year. Audiences will roll around in the aisles, clutching their sides, as a youthful clone of John Cleese runks amok with a machine gun in Colombine High School, spraying the brains of students across the walls, creating humourous patterns of blood as he goes. Further hilarity will ensue as the great, great grandson of Michael Palin repeats the same trick at another school to comic effect.
Expect screams of laughter at an explosive appearance from Mr Creosote’s muslim cousin, who manages to tuck away one final waffer thin piece of TNT before detonating himself. It’s also likely to feature a conversation about how many smart bombs a pair of swallows can carry. And one can but hope that they find room in the script for a killer rabbit or two. Regardless, I’m sure the flick will go down as an instant comedy classic. Cinema goers will wipe away tears of laughter as they marvel at our primitive idiocy.
On a serious note, the photo above is from a chapel in Faro, Portugal, made entirely of human bones, decorated with human skulls. It sends a shiver down one’s spine, which is apt. The good ole US of A may soon have enough skulls and bones from gun shot victims to construct an entire cathedral. They should build it. A structure grand enough to rival St Peters in the Vatican. Macabre enough to rival the catacombs of Paris. But still not shocking enough, methinks, to spark a rational debate on the role of and ownership of guns in America.