The Four Stages

The government have four stages to move through when dealing with contagious outbreaks. Contain, which we are presently in. Delay, which we’ll be moving onto later today. Then comes Research and Mitigate. The latter two seem pointless in the current situation. I say we should replace them with Sacrifice and Move On.

If someone over 70 comes down with Coronavirus, they should be kept at home, with the NHS popping out a vial or two of morphine to either help keep them comfortable or aid their passage onto their own personal ‘next stage’. Harsh, I know. But if the worst does come to pass, it may be the only practical means of keeping both society and the economy functioning. This is the Sacrifice phase.

The Premier League had it right in suggesting that the over 70s should not be permitted to attend matches. They are the vulnerable sector. They should be isolated as much as is possible and let the rest of society get on with life, in what will be the Move On stage.

I personally have three stages in dealing with this outbreak. Most people have four. I’m currently in the Flippant phase, where I express concern, hope for the best and occasionally wash my hands. Most people have moved on to the next stage ahead of me – the Stockpiling phase.

By the time I get there, the toilet rolls, hand sanitiser and pasta will all be long gone, so I will skip the Stockpiling phase. Fortunately I live with a Mexican lady who, like all good Latina ladies, routinely stockpiles enough bleach and hand sanitiser to get a small country through the apocalypse.

My next stage will the Angry phase, as I find myself repeatedly inconvenienced in an increasingly disrupted world. Finally, as happened with Brexit, I shall enter the I Told You So phase, quoting cherry picked parts of past blog entries to demonstrate my supreme wisdom.

The biggest difference between Brexit and Coronavirus will ultimately be that the elderly will simply be too dead to care whether I was right or not.