We didn’t really at any point have a coronavirus lockdown in the UK. Not a proper one. Not like in Spain and Italy. We were always free to go out and exercise for an hour or so to keep our minds and bodies in shape. And if we needed to check up on our eyesight, a thirty minute drive to a local beauty spot was recommended. 

Gradually what restrictions did exist were relaxed. Non essential shops were opened. Longer trips were permitted. Then all shops opened. Travel abroad remained off the cards, unless it was for something genuinely essential, like mopping the floor of your second home in Greece. Even then, a fourteen day quarantine was required upon returning, with just few exceptions. Such as being a Nazi, for example.

But Saturday was the big day. The two metre social distancing rule was changed to ‘one metre+’, aka, whatever you like. And pubs, restaurants and cinemas reopened. I had mixed feelings about the loosening of these restrictions. On the one hand, it seemed a thoroughly foolish idea because infection rates are still in the thousands per day, not tens per day. On the other hand, the behavior of the great British public has convinced me that it’s unlikely ever to actually get below the thousands per day.

I do subscribe to the point of view that we do need to get out, spend our cash and help stimulate the economy. Vast swathes of the hospitality and entertainment industry are staring into the abyss. If we don’t use it, we’ll lose it. Still, I considered going out on the lash to be a less than sensible reintroduction to normal life. 

So I picked a trip to the cinema instead. Technically, the cinema is also considered high risk. But I decided that if I picked a movie that was the first showing in three months in a particular auditorium, it would probably be ok. Besides, the tickets were half price and it was an auditorium with recliner seats, which allow for more social distancing anyway.

Mrs P and I strolled to the cinema in Bournemouth in the early evening. It was nice to see people sat in restaurants and coffee shops again. We collected our tickets and took our seats. It was nice to be back. I like the cinema. I like ‘normal’ too. And normal was back. Hurrah! 

Then the woman in the row behind me coughed. Three times. They weren’t muffled coughs. She was coughing straight into the air. A few minutes later a bloke further along our row started slurping and burping his litre sized cup of coke. Someone else coughed. Another couple chatted their way through the first several minutes of the film. 

Yes indeed, normal was back. I’d completely forgotten how much I detest people. That’s a generalization, of course. If you’re reading this, I probably don’t detest you. Probably. But I sure began to detest some of the people in that theatre. I’ll tell you what. Our lockdown might have been a bit of a pretend lockdown, but it did mean very limited interaction with other human beings for quite some time, and that kinda became normal. 

And I’ll tell you something else, I quite liked that version of normal. I spent the first ten minutes of the movie thinking about the new LG GX 65” OLED television on Amazon. Yes, it’s pricey at over three grand. But it doesn’t belch, talk over movies or give you diseases. Somethings are priceless, are they not?

The movie was good. Very good. Dark Waters tells the story of an Ohio lawyer who took on DuPont. It turns out that while you might not have the novel coronavirus in your system – yet – you probably do have a bit of PFOA. I’m glad it was a good movie, because truth be told it will probably be some time before I risk the cinema again. 

I have little faith in the virus being properly controlled and movie theatres are not, in my opinion, in the best place to survive a long lasting or multi wave outbreak. I’ve added that LG television to my digital basket. Now I just need to add three thousand British pounds to my digital wallet…