The Free Food Fail

If you could be a super hero, what would your super power be? It’s an age old question, usually debated at great length by boys who haven’t quite yet reached their teens and discovered girls. But humour me. What’s your super power? I’ll tell you mine, shall I? My super power is this: the finger of doom. I will answer any question that a person has asked in the last 24 hours by pointing my finger and giving them a simple yes or no. And it will come to pass, instantly. And it doesn’t need to be a spoken question. I know what you’re thinking, punk. So yes, I’m essentially a modern day Dirty Harry with a greater range of tools with which to dispense justice. 

If you’re wondering how this might work, let me give you an example. The question on everyone’s mind at the moment is ‘will I catch this darned virus and die?’ On my train in to work today, I would have pointed my finger of doom at at least twenty people and given them the bad news. Yes, they shall. With immediate effect. Don’t start thinking that I’m going to be an evil super hero. Not at all. The other twenty people on the train who did bother to comply with the mandatory rule to wear a face covering on public transport would all have survived. I would simply use my super power to catch up with the folks who missed prize giving at the Darwin Awards.

There’s plenty comedic value in having this sort of a super power. Who hasn’t been ticked off before now by a loud, uncouth chav in the pub? There’d be no need to start a confrontation. The opportunity will come. We all say things we regret, but Mr Chav will regret more than most the moment he squared up to an innocent drinker and asked ‘do you think I’m a complete knob?’

But there are more productive things that I could do with my magic finger. As shops and restaurants in the towns and villages come back to life, it’s clear that some of them are on their last legs. There’s a big question mark over almost every restaurant and most department stores. Will any of them survive? There’s quite a few that deserve a ‘no’. Italian restaurants have over saturated the high street for years. It’s not necessarily a bad thing for a few of them to bite the dust. But I’d like Prezzo to make it through to the other side. The Ringwood branch especially has always been our favourite.

The group owner of Cafe Rouge has gone into administration during the lockdown. We hope they find a buyer. There aren’t so many French restaurants about and Mrs P and I have had many lovely breakfasts in the local Westbourne branch. And the occasional dinner. In both cases, Prezzo Ringwood and Cafe Rouge Westbourne, the service is truly excellent. That’s also the case for Loch Fyne in Canford, a short drive from home and just around the corner from the Mazda sales room we bought out little hatchback from last October. 

Alas, I have no magic finger. People not wearing masks will probably not be the ones to suffer from the virus, although some of them will pass fatal doses of it on to others. Chavvish louts will continue to ruin nights out for people around the country. And decent restaurants will go bust in the coming months while others that serve gruel and slop will somehow stay in business. This is not a fair world, is it? Never has been, never will be.

Rishi Sunak, the UK’s esteemed chancellor, does claim to have a magic finger though. A magic thumb too.   Together, they write the cheques that can save save businesses. Today he announced a range of measures to try and stimulate parts of the economy hardest hit by the lockdown. That has included the dining sector. He has introduced a generous scheme to encourage people to eat out in August. For the entire month, the government will pay half the bill for each person eating out on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, up to a maximum of £10 each, in any restaurant that has signed up to the scheme. 

Mr Sunak has clearly never heard of Tastecard. Or Meerkat Meals. Both of which offer 2 for 1 on meals at a pretty wide range of restaurants, Sunday to Thursday with no £10 cap. Tastecard is currently running a two month £1 trial. Meerkat Meals can be had by buying travel insurance for a one night stay in the UK from Compare The Market at a cost of about a pound, and will run for the whole year. Indeed, watching poor Rishi proudly announcing the scheme reminded me of a scene from Austin Powers. And it reminded me that no matter what Rishi claims, there really are no magic fingers out there. More’s the pity.

Today’s photo is of a new sculpture near Bournemouth Pier. A fish that need feeding rather than a fish to feed on.