If I were to create a conspiracy theory, what sort of dastardly plan would I devise? I’d start in China, as the authorities wrestle with the problem of mass street protests. Face recognition cameras fail to identify ringleaders when they all start wearing face coverings. I’d throw in a bit of New World Order nonsense, because conspiracy theorists love a bit of that.
One absolutely must also mention the United Nations, and twist an international agreement into the mix. Perhaps Agenda 86, Part 2 – agreement between Latin American countries to protect the Cavendish banana from disease. Obviously this is code talk for a new reptilian overlord taking over the world.
Then we seamlessly move to London, where Boris must do his bit in identifying the chief rabble rousers in Blighty. How does one do it? There are too many civil liberty do-gooders to allow Boris to go the full Fuhrer route. The plague card has already been played. And quite frankly, the UK has spaffed all the money it could borrow up the wall on furloughs and eating out.
Boris plays his ace card. A stroke of true British brilliance. Austin Powers quality stuff. He passes a law mandating that everyone must wear a mask when entering a shop. The world looks on, first with contempt and ridicule at such an astoundingly stupid idea. And then jaws drop to the floor in wonderment in spy houses around the world, as the policy bears fruit.
Up and down the UK, trouble makers, fascists, commies, thugs and morons stroll into shops without a mask on, take selfies and upload them to Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. In one fell swoop, the UK authorities have photos, phone numbers, locations, names and email addresses voluntarily submitted by ruffians the length of the land.
It’s not as glamorous a collection of snaps as the Flying Squads ‘Rogues Gallery’. It’s more a ‘Wall of Wankers’. Is it plausible? Well, the last bit is, it turns out. You couldn’t make it up, as they say.
The Mexile 