Get Ready For Brexit

This week, the railway has been participating in practice sessions to prepare for the new Britain that will fully emerge from the Brexit process at the end of this year. We all recognise that it is important to be ready for a new, independent future. Britain will be a sovereign nation again for the first time since the 1970s.

In keeping with the 70s theme, the first thing we did was turn the electricity off. Just before 6am, the switch was flicked and we were plunged into almost total darkness. With disrupted energy supplies, higher prices for fuels and less cash to pay for the stuff, a key part of preparing for Brexit Britain will be learning to stand around in the dark doing nothing. I feel that my own performance in this regard was beyond reproach. Dare I say, I may excel in this new Britain.

The railways, of course, are all about moving people from A to B as efficiently as possible. Obviously we will continue to do so in Brexit Britain. But differently. With rocketing unemployment, commuters will mostly be made redundant and will no longer need to get from rural towns into the big city. They will instead be camped out in any dry spot they can find in and around the station, wrapped in soggy duvets, dirty blankets and cardboard boxes.

They will still need moving, of course. The lords and ladies who might still be able to afford to travel by rail will not want their senses and sensibilities assaulted by such blight. The pandemic and a recent rainfall has done an excellent job in mimicking the future Brexit Britain, and using a few broom handles, we forced the unclean heathen from their slumber under the canopies and back out into the dark, wet streets. Needless to say, broom stick handles aren’t really suitable for such a job. I’m told we will be properly equipped with electric cattle prods when the time comes.

I really don’t want to paint a picture that is all doom and gloom though. There will be some fantastic opportunities to expand and deliver new services in every industry, and that goes for the railways too. Grand plans are already being revealed to bring back old lines that were closed down long ago and Waterloo station may be one of the first to benefit.

The Necropolis Railway could return to active service to deal with the expected increase in dead bodies. Rising poverty levels generally have two side effects. Movement of people from rural to urban locations. And life expectancy rates take a dive. Maybe they’ll run competitions to name the trains. Brexit Express? Boris’ Body Burner? If there is a big post Brexit U.K./USA trade deal, maybe we’ll see the Chinese Flu Choo Choo, a Trump Train PLC company.

Brexit Britain. It’s just all so exciting and bold, isn’t it!