Six Point Plans

Boris has a six point plan to combat fascism in Russia, and so do I.

1. Don’t vote for any Conservative party candidate until they have expelled Boris and all the other party members compromised by Russian money. In fact, once Zelenskyy has expelled the fascist invaders from his country, could we hire him to rid us of ours? Remember, a vote for Boris is a vote for Vlad.

2. Cut your energy usage. I’ve knocked a degree and a half off my usual setting, turned off unnecessary radiators and turn off the telly at the mains when we’re not watching it. Remember, a degree less here, ten roubles less there.

3. Boycott Coke! There’s no point boycotting Russian products because beyond gas and oil there’s not much coming in. Vodka comes largely from EU countries. Look, the third biggest import from Russia in the last decade is a single bottle of perfume, which was illegally smuggled in. And frankly, I’m not sure Eau de Novichok was ever going to take off. Remember, a Pepsi a day keeps the Russkis at bay.

4. No to Russian porn! Admittedly, at this point I am struggling to find industries with a significant Russian presence. But I’m all for a petition to get Pornhub to remove the Russian category from their navigation bar. Remember, Russian porn spreads AIDS*.

5. I’ve cut the letter Z out of my everyday use. It’s the most useless letter in the alphabet anyway. Totally unnecessary. Unless you’re going to the oo to see some ebras, or the Cech Republic. And if we were to host a Ukrainian refugee family – and our spare room is open to the idea – having Zs lying around the place would just make them uncomfortable. Remember, Z is the new Swaztika.

6. The last point is an important one. There is a global battle between decent democratic values and fascism, and the enemy doesn’t respect borders. Indeed, it’s an infectious disease. Call it out when you see it. Sometimes it’s close to home. It’s found safe havens in virtual neighbourhoods. The author and every commenter in that thread are bone fide supporters of fascism. Remember, a fascist is a fascist.

• * or so the rumour i recently started on Instagram goes…