The coronation. Where do I begin? I’ve long declared myself to be a ‘Status Quoist’ when it comes to the monarchy. That I sit on the fence shouldn’t be interpreted to conclude that I see merit in the arguments put forth by both sides of the debate, or that I am in any way undecided in how best we should move forward as a country. That’s not the case at all. I sit on the fence because this offers the best vantage point from which to lob verbal grenades of contempt at combatants on both sides of the divide.
I find the whole concept of a royal family in the 21st century to be utterly ridiculous. The bowing, grovelling, curtsying, and snivelling snobbery. There are far too many Prince and Princess Who-the-eff-is-he/she. The tunics, garters and robes are all part of the pageantry, I suppose. But the glittering array of medals pinned to chests are all earned by dint of getting out of bed one morning and nagging mum for it. Please mummy, pretty please! Oh, I was the same, I guess. Charles and I have this one thing in common. It’s just that I wanted another Jaffa Cake out of the biscuit tin. He wanted the Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. Po-tay-toes, po-tar-toes.
It is fair to say that at least two of the royals have actually earned their medals in battle. Alas for the monarchists, they are the dodgy pedo uncle and the ginger twat that they want rid of. But the fact of the matter is that the robes and bling were all originally designed to give the feudal system a sheen of respectability and authority. Fascism in fancy dress, if you will. Back in the day. Now? It’s just all some weird weekend of cosplay, playing up to equally ridiculous religious hocus pocus that almost no one believes in anymore.
The Queen got away with all this malarkey because, frankly, she’s been doing it for so long. Westminster Abbey was built nearly a thousand years ago in honour of her 30th Jubilee. Really old folk remember her when she served in the army in WW2. Their parents recall moving accounts of the Queen teaching Florence Nightingale battlefield medicine in the Crimean war, and their grandparents were about when she helped defeat Bonaparte at Waterloo. Yes, when you’ve been doing something for so long, with so much national service in the bag, you can get away with it.
Charles? Not so much. Seems a nice chap and everything. But his ears are too big and he’ll forever be associated with Tampax for all the wrong reasons. And the process of transforming from price to king is just all a bit too too close to panto. When Zadok the Priest rang out, I half expected Frank Bruno to step forward and plant a custard pie in Chuck’s face. The vows could easily have turned into a rendition of Punch and Judy, begging for participation from the audience. “Oh yes he is! Oh no he isn’t!”. And none of this would have made the event look any more ridiculous. Which says something.
And yet. As fun as it would be to have Charles III lose his head outside Banqueting Hall for old times sake, I remain a Status Quoist. There are some good reasons for retaining the monarchy. In times of political strife, when a British presence abroad is called for, but our incumbent PM has rather blackened his name (Blair and Iraq) or is an incompetent, bumbling fool (Johnson), having a person of status – separated from politics – to send in their place is handy.
It’s also true to say that most of the country gets a bit of a kick out of royal events. Jubilees, weddings, coronations. Why take away what little joy we have left in this country? Nothing else works anywhere near so well with Nimrod, I Vow to Thee and other assorted anthems. The divorces and assorted shenanigans keep us entertained if we’re going to be honest about our guilty little pleasures. It also keeps hard working journalists and photographers in gainful employment. And can you begin to imagine the absolute shitshow that would follow a vote to abolish the monarchy. How do we replace it? With who? Why?? In opposition to the call for a referendum on the subject, I offer as Exhibit 1: Brexit. Enough said, methinks.
But the best reason, my personal number one reason, for maintaining the monarchy is this: when one of them dies, there’s a state funeral, and we all get an extra paid day off work. Hurrah! And just as day follows night, a funeral is followed with a coronation. And another extra paid day off. Hip hip hooray! It’s a twoferone bonanza, and the simple truth is that I’m easily sold on a bit of something for nothing. Or easily bribed, if you like. Same thing, that either way ends up with: God Save the King! Long Live The Bank Holiday!
The Mexile 
I find it interesting that the most popular member of the monarchy following the Funeral and the Coronation isn’t Charles, but 8-year old Charlotte. And of course that has to be just a social media thing. Famous for being famous and oh yeah the third in line to the thrown thing maybe.
You know if there was like some sort of freaky tragedy and Charlotte would become Queen, she’d be this like Child Queen. And THAT’S something Britain hasn’t known in a long long while. Maybe that would perc things up a little bit.
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It would take quite a few car crashes in Parisian tunnels to land Princess Charlotte the top job. But you know…I’m not against it.
(I think Kate has a rather loyal fan base too btw)
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I’ll tell you a little tale, when my mother was a child her mum, my grandmother had rheumatoid arthritis and my grandfather had a maid to look after her and their six children. As time went on that maid went into service as a handmaiden to Princess Margaret. The stories she would tell between rudeness, cruelty and debauchery and other tales of deceit. Sadly she passed away in poverty after retiring as her pension was a pittance after thirty odd years in service to the crown.
As an Irishman abroad the crown and all it’s symbolism even in its diluted state is still a thorn in our side. Obviously E. R. didn’t trust Charlie enough to pass on the baton in his
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.. to his grubby little hands.
Let’s face it E. R. was the face of the crown, and considering the hand she got dealt she more than rose up to the task. She was the face of the monarchy, said all the right things. She was the mud that held it all together.
However the modern face of the house of Windsor is a more sordid one full of sexual intrigue and not unlike the Carry On Henry parody we get to see it in the tabloids. The sad truth is is that they are generally unemployable, they are actors in their own reality show. Some rise to the occasion and others don’t or aren’t up to the task and behave badly.
It’s the pageantry that sells it to the world. Centuries of grift has secured a wealth of gold, diamonds and other fine jewelry and property through the servitude of others and through the commonwealth (what a misnomer that is) they’ve managed to extract and retain the wealth of other nations!
They could get actors to do the job but why bother when you have a family willing to do it for free! Perhaps in the distant future they will throw in the towel and retire to some villa in the Bahamas but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. They have too much of a good thing and money for nothing and chicks for free…
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I don’t disagree Colm. It’s all utterly absurd.
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